I've always been the type of person who wants to know. To know how and why and stand on certain ground before making a decision. Any decision.
The magnitude of the decision doesn't really matter. Should we drive to the Utah desert for a spring vacation or fly to Seattle and British Columbia to check out our possible trailer options? I want to know the pros and cons. Likewise, should I choose a sweet, syrupy waffle for breakfast or savory green chile corncakes with bacon? I weight them equally. Either way, I've always wanted to maximize my choices and I want to be certain of what the best option is before taking the plunge.
At least - that's how I've always been, though it's not how I'm feeling now. I've mentioned recently that our impending move from Boulder across the country has been rife with uncertainty. Every possible maneuver depended on other factors, none of which were decided yet or that we had control over. And, for once, it's been okay. I've been able to realize that whatever job opportunities arise, fall through, and (hopefully) pan out, wherever that employment takes us, and whatever way we transport ourselves there will unfold exactly as it is supposed to.
I did not intentionally set out to embrace this uncertain terrain. I think if I had truly, completely thought through all of the precarious factors beforehand, I could have clung onto my steady rock of the job and home I know for a great deal longer (all the while knowing that it no longer serves me anyway).
At least in part, I think this shift in expectation has happened due to yoga teacher training. Even more than learning how to teach a yoga asana class, I've been learning how to weather storms of uncertainty and accept the possibilities for what they are without trying to control them. Somehow, I have been able to accept that now, even though I've always resisted it in the past.
It's faith. I don't necessarily mean in a religious sense, more so a surrendering to that over which we have no control. Worrying does not change the outcome. Grasping for the certainty does not necessarily bring it to us.
You do not have control over outside circumstances. All you do have control over is how you act in the face of those circumstances, no matter the outcome. If you act as the best possible version of yourself in any given moment, that in itself is the fulfillment, regardless of the result. The end goal doesn't matter in so much as the capacity to accept the obstacles in your path with grace and to act accordingly.
Last week, we finally got our first glimpse of where we're heading, a small piece of of the puzzle falling into place. We found out that Peter got a job with the U.S. Forest Service in Cordova.
So now it's official. We're moving to Alaska!
It's been a whirlwind since we found out and we've been scrambling to get everything together for the move. Peter leaves in two and a half weeks, right at the beginning of May. I will follow after my yoga teacher training ends in early June, driving up with our pup, Fenton, camping along the way, visiting a few friends and undoubtedly belting out jumbled lyrics to Dearly Departed (which I think has been stuck in my head since November).
As of yet, we don't have a living situation figured out (our camping trailer won't be ready for production until December). I don't have a job lined up. We have no idea what we'll do after Peter's job ends in October.
But even as uncertain as I feel, I know without a doubt that we are making the right choice.
In the words of Rumi, "Respond to every call that excites your spirit."
For now, I feel as if I'm answering the call without any tangible reason to do so. I'm sure it's a lesson I will have to learn continually, but at the moment the newness and the unknown excites me enough to dig into the work I love and worry about the final outcome later.